Resentments?   back to directory /                  Resentments

Hello, Welcome. My ministry is for those who are broken
and lost, who've been toatally dehumanized, and demoralized by alcohol, or
obbsessive behaviour of some other sort.  Maybe lust, what ever obbsessive
and compulsive behaviour that may be bothering you.  It's for those who have lost everything but still believe there's a power greater then themselves, but can't identify
with church.  They feel intimadated by religion.  I'm here to encourage, help and guide.  The good book says "all our righteousness is as filthy rags before the Lord with out Christ." So don't feel alone. None are Holy except the Lord.

God by your grace, I offer myself to Thee, to do with me as Thou wilt. Take away my this bondage of self that I may better do Thy will.  Take awawy my difficulties that victory over them may bring wittness to those you would help of Thy love, Thy Power, and Thy Glory.

Lord Jesus I ask that you be with those who need your help, they are starving for your word, starving for your love, starving for righteousness.  Be with those who are suffering all over the world for your names sake.  All the valiant missonaries who are giving their life
daily for your sake.  May they recieve the help and peace that passes all understanding.  I ask that you bless all those who are spiritually,physcially, emotionally, and mentally suffering and need your help.  May you find this help now in Christ's Holy name.

Matthew 6:24   No man can serve two masters.  For either he will hate one and love the other or else he will hold to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.  Therefore I say unto you, take no thought for your life, what you shall eat, or what you shall wear, what you shall drink,  is not life more then meat? The body more then rainment?  Behold the fowls in the air, for they sew not neither do they reap or gather into barns yet your Heavenly Father feedeth them.  Are you not more then the They?  Which of you by thinking can add one cubit to his stature?

Now you know when we get religious we like to think; oh if we're this good, or we're this righteous, if we are this or we are that, all kinds of good things are going to happen, because we deserve it?  You know I live in the real world.  And like I've said before, I don't walk on water. I'm toatally human.  I sometimes get to thinking, I've done this righteous thing or I've suffered so much then I know that God's going to hear me.
Because I deserve this or that for all my efforts.

But you know we are all saved by grace.  I'm saved by grace, (grace, unmerited favour.) Well speaking for me personally the only thing I have without Christ is my good intentions.  The world judges me by my actions, not my good intentions.  I've got good intentions, but I drank for 17 years, in a most ugly and horrible way.
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I ran around appologizing to everybody, "Oh I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"  "I didn't mean to do it."  And in my own mind I really didn't mean to do it, and I thought when I appologized that took care of it.  The matter was settled.  but you know one day, one morning after I'd been on a drunk, and airing the family's dirty laundry down at the bar the nite before,
making a royal part of a horse's view going north.  Loud mouth, overbearing, rude, obnoxious, person that I was, I started to appologize to my mother, and I'm sure it was inspirtation from the Lord, The Lord said, "How many times have you been sorry over your drinking?"  How many times have you appologized for doing the wrong thing on a drunken binge?" And what is sorry going to do that is going to change this?"  And then it just came to me, "If I'm really sorry, I've got to do something about this drinking."  I've got to do something to change this.

I thought to myself "What are you going to do that's differant today?" and I'd been going to A.A., and I'm a periodic drinker, I could go maybe two weeks, or a month without drinking, so I never dreamed I was an alcoholic.  But it's not how often you drink, but what the booze does to you.  For me it's the first drink that this chemical change comes over me and I'm no longer Flora, I'm a drunk, on my way to getting completely smashed, and after the first drink, I have no power to stop my drinking the change has already occured.  Then I go from being Flora to this vile ugly sott.

This day I decided that I really was going to have to do something about my drinking, I couldn't just get away with saying I'm sorry, I had to do something about it.  Only another alcohoic knows how sorry sorry is when you've just come off a drunk, full of guilt, and so ashamed.  There's no sorrow, or guilt quite like it. And you know we really are sorry, for me it really was innocent.  I really didn't mean to take more then the first drink.  But I didn't realize the chemical change when I take on drink of alcohol. For years I lied to myself.  I thought that I could get away with taking one drink.  And insanity is when someone keeps on doing the same thing the same way over and over and expecting differant results the next time.

I realized through going to A.A. from belief in my highr power whom I choose to call God.  I realized that sorry wasn't enough I was going to have to take some action.  And by the way A.A. neither endorses or opposses any causes, and this is My A.A. program as I work it, and as I understand it.  I'm on my own here.  A.A. doesn't represent me in anyway.
I represent A.A. and how it works, but not the other way around.  This is all toatally my own opinions, I am a memember of A.A. because I say so.

I'm using A.A. as a referance along with the bible.  But A.A. doesn't tell you what higher power to use, or worship, I'm recommending Christ because he works for me but A.A. doesn't go that far.  I'm all on my own opinions. God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Ghost.  This is God as "I" understand him.  I'm doing a big no, no in A.A. because I'm breaking my annimymity, but I'm telling you I could not sober up without the 12 steps of A.A. and my higher power.  I could not. I recieved encouragement and support from the A.A. members that I did not recieve any place else.  I couldnt' do it all alone with A.A., I had to have my higher power.

Through trial and error and prayer, you know I, for the first year I could not stay sober for any longer then about 30 days.  And A.A. counts your sobriety by the continous days you are sober.  Well I'd get about 30 days and I'd go out and crash.  Well I couldn't give up on myself simply because I had a crash, or a binge.  I'd go out and get drunk, and then think Oh, what a failure.  I'm just a no good failure. I could not stay sober thinking how long I was going to stay sober.I had to count the days I was sober, and toatally ignore the times I got drunk or I'd of given up and just said the heck with it and stayed drunk.  We alcohoics are sometimes defeatist's anyway, alot of time.  We joke and say we are extraverted introverts.

For me I had to take the first three steps with a death grip.  For me it's life or death.  I still have to, I'm living one day at a time, grace is what helped me, and saved me I didn't do it on my own.  There's only five percent of alcohoic's that "get the program and sober up" according to the big book.  Some of us are just incapable of grasping a program that requires rigourous honesty.  I personally think the big book is devinely inspirted.  I didn't do it on any virtue of my own,  I just had to be willing to go to any leangths to stay sober.  And even that wasn't enough I have to rely on my higher power.

I used to lie to myself.  I'd say to myself, "Well I'm just going to go downtown, and I'm just going to listen to the music. I'm only going to have one drink."  In my own mind, I was toatally innocent. In my mind I toatally did not "mean" to get drunk.  Oh, there were times ofcourse when I'd say "I'll show so and so, I'll go out and get drunk!!!"  Like that made some kind of sense?

To take your family and embarras them, humiliate them, and myself?  What did I think I was showing them? By this demoraziation, this humilliation? This shame? I haven't got a clue but when I was drinking that seemd like it was an intelligent way to think?  ? We're going to show them?  Well it just can't be done.  I had to face that issue.

The first three steps are life and death for me, the first one being, Admitted to we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.

Well like when you come to, with a belt held high, ready to strike, and you have your little 11 year old son, bawling his eyes out, and you come out of a black out and you're going to whip him because he won't "fry jello"? How much am I going to need before I admit my life is just a little unmanageable? Well Like what is it going to take to come to the realization that I am powerless over my alcohol. I mean I loved my son dearly, but that's what I did one time.
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I mean I did all kinds of outrageous things when I drank.  Just unfathomable horrible insane things.  It just took me forever to realize that I couldn't handle the booze, that I was powerless over it, and when I drank it my life was unmanageable.  Even to go to jail, and mental institutions, even with my dad threatening me with a gun; it didn't matter to me, I was going to have that drink. Afterall, I didn't mean to get drunk.  You were picking on me, it wasn't my fault.

The second step said "Came to believe a power greater then ourselves could restore us to sanity.  Well like I said from the very first here I've always beleived in God, but like I wasn't insane, it was you.  it wasn't my fault.  I didn't mean to get drunk.  There was nothin wrong with me I knew everything.  ............everything except how to stay sober?
and the tools to go with it.

and the third step is gave our lives and our will over to the care of God as we understand him.  As we understood him, Well I can't  get religious, I just can't. I've said before how I had satan come to me and make me in my delusions hear filth.  I wasn't living filth, but I was running from it for years.  As you may or may not know I was sexually assualted when I was a child, and I was alawys horrified at filth.  I love the Lord Jesus Christ and it horrified me.  I ran from it.  It made me feel like a sub human, demoralized, in human jerk, a real low life, because I couldn't cotrol the filth that satan was putting on me.

You know............I'll give you an example of how us alcoholic's think. We're so good at blaming others.  There is a man here in Oregon, and he's been arrested 12 times for drunken driving.  And three drunken driving tickets before this I'm going to tell you he  had ran over and killed about I can't remember if it was two or three people.  The judge sentenced him to three years for drunken driving on the 12 conviction. And you know he got tears in his eyes, on tv, and he bawled, Well I can't understand it he said, I don't know why I'm getting three years in prison for drunken driving ....."I didn't kill anybody this time?"   See?  That's how we think when we're practicing alcoholic's.  We think that just because "we" think something that that's the way it is.  We'll go to any leangths to prove it, no matter how humilliating it is.  We just won't call ourselves to task for our own actions.  It's always somebody else's fault, never our own.

And another thing about this scripture that I just quoted, you know I was always a christian, I always loved Christ, I couldn't figure out why it wasn't working very well for me, you know I was young.  I knew the way the cookie crumbled.  And after all that scripture was written 2,000 years ago, and it wasn't up to date, and there, that was just not applicable to me today?  I knew best, I knew better.

I looked at that scripture, I looked at that bible and I said, yes, we don't kill, and the 10 commandments was good adivse.  You know I was real smart, and that bible was written like I said 2,000 years ago. (God says "Iam the same today, yesterday and for always.) This business about committing fornication that was old stuff...............say! Those aren't suggestions, those are instructions.

Now none of us can follow the 10 commandments without God's help,none of us. And like I have already stated it says without Christ "all our righteousness is as filthy rags before the Lord."  It's just like don't commit adultery.  Well you know you get in your self righteous mode when you're thinking along the world's line of thought, and you say, "Well his wife doesn't understand him anyway."  I'm just going to be friends with him, I'm not "trying to hurt anybody?".

No his wife doesn't understand him, course not, she only does his ironing, cleans his toilet, does his dirty laundry, and cleans up his messes, and he comes home and yells and rants and raves at her,  and puts up with his tantrums, but no she doesn't understand him.  Ofcourse he's going to be nice to you, he doesn't pay your bills, oh, let's think it over.  There's good reasons for not committing adultery, there's good reasons for not committing murder, there's good reasons to hold your God above all God's; lets think it over.

These aren't something that God sat around one day bored with the heavens and said to himself........."Well I think I'll make man just as miserable as I can make him, I think I'll set up a whole bunch of rules and regulations that no one in their right mind could follow, I just love to make man miserable, and uncomfortable. I'll give them these strict rules
and boy am I gonna have fun.  No, friend he didn't do that.

God Almighty is merciful, he's Holy, and he's a loving God.  He's mighty and he's kind, it's like being out in a blizzard and maybe you have lost eh road and you can't find the way to get back on? Maybe we're lost?  That's God's road map for when we're lost. Like when we are in the darkness and pitts of hell in our alcoholism, we need the 12 steps because
we are on the wrong road.  And it took another drunk to guide us back to our higher power.  I believe that big book is devinely inspired.

Just immagine that you decide to make the best report for some project and you work and work, after finding out the rules and you set about to create this master piece.  And just as you type the very last word, you find out that the rules have changed and all your weeks of work is not valid anymore.  No God is the same, today, yesterday and for always like I said.

I can sit here and talk to normal people all day, I can sit from now till the sun goes down, and there's no way I can make you understand the way an alcoholic thinks. I can give them reasons, and excuses but It takes one to know one, You know?  We don't deliberately set out to be mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionaly off, We don't mean not to have control over our alcoholism, but it's a sickness, and illness.  Only an insane person would to the things we alcohlic's do, and we "say we've had fun?" And in our insanity of drinking, we think we are right, we are convicned we are right, we'll go to any leangths to prove we are right no matter how humilliating.  It's always your don't understand us... It's not phathomable to the normal person.

I found out yeah, you can experiment, you can dabble, you don't have to follow the 10 commandments. Yeah, you can get away with it...........for awhile. No you don't have to do them.  But if you're like me.....huh? You gonna dance to the got to pay for the tune.  And there are such things as eteranl consequences.

When we put ourselves out to the world, and we live the worlds ways, we are going to pay the consequences.  Like the Lord says "what has light to do with darkness?"  The arm of flesh will fail you, it always does. We're not guided to beleive in God by the world, infact the world guides us away from God.  It doesn't like God.
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For me it's toatal acceptance of what's going on today.  I don't care how rotton it is the big book says it's exactly the way it's supposed to be. We have struggles and pain because we are to learn and grow from it.  What would we be like if we could have our own way every day in all ways?  What would we learn of that?

I can't live rigteous on my own.  I have to be guided by Christ every step of the way.  I can't do it on my own.  I have to have help. For me it's acceptance and surrender.  112% surrender.  I know there are righteous people, God Bless their souls, they can do it on their own, but I have to have help.  I have to have help.  My best actions got me in a mental institution, and jail.  I have to have the guidance of the 12 steps, the big book, and the bible.  I tend to get "religious" when I don't use the 12 steps of A.A. and I want to judge this person and that person. No My bricks are not all stacked in immacutlate order,infact my bricks are way out of line and I have to have guidance.  On my own I can do nothing.
I can't count on myself.

When I do give myself over to Christ, it's not...."Well I surrender God, that's it, I give up." No it's an every day decision, in every struggle. One day at a time, one drink at a time, one moment at a time.  You have to nuture, garden, love and discipline yourself. You've got to be able to accept dissapointments and pain in our struggles. We alcoholics want to get paid by the rules but we dont' want to work the rules like everybody else has to.  We want our cake and eat it too.  They say expectations is premeditated resentments.  We have to accept the day as it is, not make up in our mind how we want it but to take life on life's terms.

It says in the bible that we are not to hate others, and have resentments. And us alcoholic's say "Well why can't I have resentments?  Everybody else does."   The reason we can't is we're not all quite there.  All our bundle is sorta miss matched ha?  You know?  We've gotta have help. I can't do it on my own.

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